A world of total solitary….. i need that badly

The one other thing that i regret for doing is showing love to one family who dun appreciates it at all. I know, whatever you do in life, never regret it cos for once while you were doing that, you must have gained at least a bit of happiness. But i did not get any love or appreciation from this family that i had showed love.

Even though i had not grown up in a family, i can tell bravely that every household has their fair share of problems and happiness. Point to me one family that doesn’t have quarrels or misunderstanding and i’ll change my favorite color into Green again. Gegege… Well, those were the days when our parents will never let us leave the house whether we have turned 21 or 30 (still single though). But not at this age. I have tried my level best to bring this family together and show them that we can still be a family. Yes, they did not spend quality time together, didnt get to bond as a family as well. But i dont understand them. Dun they want to be together and have all those joyous moments and happiness like most other family have?

I feel very hurt and angry for what He has done to me. HE knows that i was grown in a children’s home with no family love at all. Why do this to me still? What this family has done to me will be permanently embedded into my heart and till the day i die, the scar will still be fresh.

And what i have learned from this family will def be passed down to my kids for sure!!!!

testing testing

Yesterday, I saw my dad. I was very lucky to see my dad
while both my hubby and I were planning to go up to his house to catch a
glimpse of him. We went to library in AMK and while we were getting ready to
leave the place, we decided to see whether we could catch my father at his
place. While we were about to turn into the car park leading towards to my
dad’s block, my hubby saw my dad crossing the road. When I saw my dad, my heart
just dropped. I couldn’t believe what I saw. He looked so old, with white hair and
beard, looking so frail yet so strong, walking ever so slowly, hunched back. My
dear lord, what have you done to us??? Why do I have to go through such a life
without my dad beside me??? Tears flowed so freely from my eyes. I wish I could
run into this arms and cry so hard that no more tears can ever flow from me
anymore. But I couldn’t. My fate is so unlucky that I’ve got a dad that I love
more than anything in my life and yet I can’t reach out to him. Quickly, we
rode into the road, parked and I asked my hubby to go up to him and talk
something. He went up to my dad and asked him locations of a certain block in Malay.
Damn… My father spoke to him and he didn’t know where is the block. He’s
staying in AMK for over 20 years and for him not to know where is the block
shows me just how old has he become. One more month to endure this before my
hubby goes up to my dad and speaks to him. WHY one more month???? Because my
MOTHER is waiting for my dad’s CPF money to come in. And my hubby told her that
after that, he would be talking to my dad about me and certain other things. I
miss my dad so much and my heart has been aching a lot since I saw him. I love
my dad no matter what has happened. Because he’s not to be blamed at all. But I’m
praying to God that its not too late before April comes. Because, he’s looking
so old, I’m afraid anything might happen to him.

Having a dad yet I’m unable to love him as how I want to
makes me such an unlucky person. I envy those who have at least one of their parent
with them. I dun need my mother. All I want is my dad and I’ll be the most
happiest daughter in this world wide world. If I have a son, I’ll name him
after my dad. At least then, I get to live and love my dad thru my son.

What happened? I dont have any idea. What went wrong along the way? What made this to be this way? I have no idea what went wrong  and who made the mistake? It takes two hands to clap. I may have done some mistakes too. But all is done unintentionally. Being proud, arrogant and jealous makes it even worse. Being competetive in a positive way makes it good and i like that. But i have this strong instinct that everything that has happened, its not with a sincere heart. In certain things, it shows. I’m being judged, and not appreciated. I’m not that valued person after all.

I have come across some and even now, i know of some. What makes me fed up about these ppl are, they don’t seem to know how irritating they’re. Let me share my experience of meeting such people. I find it very contradicting when friends can tell each other that they’re there for each other and behind their own back, they gossip about each other. I don’t get one thing though, you don’t like this particular person, tell them off their face and don’t have anything to do with that person. Instead, they can put a false front in front of that person and can still pretend to be nice in front of that person. Why do such things and yet still can boast around to other ppl that they are not that kind of ppl. I’ve seen this many times.

Another type that I’ve come across is, trying to "ankat" ppl to get into their good shoes. And that person doesn’t really know what the other person is thinking about them. And being so over dramatic in everything. Just awhile ago, someone told me to live for myself and dint depend on anyone person. Another person have ever told me not to be close to anyone so that if ever that person hurts you in anyway, you wont be so hurt cos you’ve maintained your distance with them.

I used to be very affected when I’m not given any attention from my friends. Very. Sometimes, i get very paranoid by it. But recently, things made me very strong. I’m lonely sometimes but yet i think i can survive it. I prefer it this way. I came to realize not every friend will be there for you all the way. And the one thats going to be there for you, may not always call you.

Life is so weird at times.

Photography…. it took a sudden interest in me. I love to take pictures and see them through over and over again. In fact, I’m intending to take up my certificate in photography and videography.If its going to cost me money, I’m willing to take some sacrifices for that. Def, i cant be doing full time studies. Because i need to contribute for my family too. Well, the standard of living is very high for me. Anyway, here, I’m not going to talk about my other reasons for photography but just to share what goes thru my mind when I’m going to go for an assignment.

When i get booked for the assignment, well, firstly, I’ll start preparing myself for the day in much advance. Two days before the assignment, i talk to two jeevans of mine (used to be 3) before i go for the job. Firstly,its none other than my sis. She gives loads of ideas, how to get ppl involve in the pictures and the poses that i can take. She reminds me of the flaws that i made in my other assignments and advices me not to get too tensed up in the big crowd and try to be as pro as possible. Let me tell you something, i cant handle big crowds before. But ever since i started this hobby of mine, i loved the job lots. So much of different ppl you get to see in each assignment. And every time, they’re all different. Once I’m comfortable with them, i love to mingle with the crowd. And its in my nature to help out with tasks. In all my assignments, i try to give a helping hand to whoever needs it. I feel that i grow into the family just in that few hours that i spend with the ppl. Second person i speak to is none other than my husband, He gives me loads of courage and with these two jeevans behind my back,I’m ready for the job.

One day before my assignment, I’ll call the ppl and confirm the timing and place with them so that they know that the photographer is a lady. Because sometimes i get the job from Menaka’s bridal too. And that night,i wont be able to sleep well at all. Because I’m praying to God that nothing bad should happen as i want the function to go on smoothly. I make sure i get up early if the assignment is in the morning so that i can double confirm the batteries are charged and everything is in the bag and have a light breakfast. And I’ll always be at least 1/2 hr early.

Since young, I’ve always dreamed of having a very traditional marriage but its just that I’m not gifted to have that kinda big family to have one. Then someone promised us that we shall go India and get married there in one of the well known temples. But that has also been destroyed. Lets just see how it goes for me. I dun wish to dream anything big and have it go away just like a dream.

Doing photography is not easy at all. But if you know whats expected out of the functions, and you love every bit of the time and the camera in the first place, then you wont have to worry about anything. Of course, you need to love sweating your ass out for it too. Doing a temple wedding will be one good example. And also, you need to be in the right place and get the perfect place to take all the important parts of a function. And you must be readily waiting to snap pics because you would never know when the mother will give a kiss to the daughter. Or when the groom will do some weird thing to make his bride happy on the wedding day. Things just happen. We cannot be telling the ppl that oh,no i was not ready.

So you see, you have to be very alert. Of course, i get to see the latest designs of sarees, beautiful babes, handsome looking dudes…. uncle and aunties and most importantly the family love that revolves in the atmosphere.

I will never hate this hobby of mine…..

I have the experience of staying on the highest floor unit and the ground floor unit. And i must say that both has its own advantages and disadvantages. When i stayed in the highest unit, wat i loved most about that unit is the wind and the view of it. Def, another one thing i liked about high floor unit is, there’s no one else staying above you. So u see no one will be hanging any wet clothes above yours and no disturbance of litter at all. But at the same time, the unit can get dusty really fast. So i had to make sure that i keep the place clean and dust free. Oh and also, the most important thing is that, there’s not much of pest disturbance. Of course, once in awhile you bound to get those unwanted visitors. But its oki with me because i dun have to entertain them all the time. Now lets talk about ground floor unit. I am currently staying in a ground floor unit. I was the one who decided on this unit because staying in HDB flats nowadays has made me feel very squared and stressed up. Seeing the ground floor unit, i knew that i wanted this house immediately. No matter what happens. And yes, when we both went to view the house for the first time, we had trouble securing the deal with the bank agent. Because, firstly our house was seized by the bank from the previous owner due to some financial issues. So we were the first ppl to view the house and we told the bank agent that we want the house. But while we were getting to the documents part, another Indian family came to view the house. I knew instantly that they’re going to ask for the house too. At that very moment, i asked Pragas to get the deposit. While he went to draw the cash, the other Indian family told the agent that they wanted. The agent came to me and said that whoever bids the highest will get the house. And then, the argument with the agent and me started because I’d already told him that i wanted the house even before the other family came. Somehow, after much persuasion and Pragas coming on time with the cash, did we seal the deal. Now coming back to ground floor unit and the advantages and disadvantages. Well, i have not started my gardening yet but already I’m facing mosquito problems. And remember the unwanted visitors coming to your unit, well it happens daily in my current unit. Yucks! And i hate them to the max. I cant stand the sight of those creepy crawlers. Many times, those crawlers were in our room together with us at night and those tings crawled onto Pragas face. HEHE…. That was both disgusting and hilarious to me. We had to wake up in the wee hours of the morning to kill them. And another two visitors are the lizards and the spiders!!!! No matter how much i take to clean the corners of my house and window panels, those web builders somehow build it up again. They dun seem to run out of stock with those web!!!! And the lizards are jus getting into my nerves. They shit all over the place. And dun only have i got to pick my dog’s shit but i have to pick up the lizard’s too. But other than that, living on the ground floor makes me feel like i’m living in the kampong. And we can have our own garden. Its totally different from living in high rise unit. Well, everything comes with good and bad la.

Haha, this topic is something very interesting to me. Firstly i must say that i have no children and my very own personal opinions are going to be shared in this post.

I dont have any intentions of having kids at this moment or anywhere near the future. Many reasons for it and most of them are quite personal to share here. So i saw this debate session on the lets talk show in Vasantham central. Geesh, the aunties and the few uncles were all talking on the issue mainly because their having a son or daughter. Why didnt the programme co-ordinator bring in ppl who have not yet have any kids and ask them too whether they would prefer which. Well, when i was talking to my sis, she asked the fatal qns of which would i prefer and i immediately told her i prefer my dog….. *winks* Her response to that was "wrong qns asked to the wrong person" Lolz…. Well,i dont have anything against kids and seriously i dont if i’m really heartless or what but i have lotsa difficulties relating with another kid. You can even ask my sis. I cant really like ahem that kinda kid relationship with her son and she knows it too. But i try my level best to get to know him and mingle with him. Cos i’m his preiyamma!!!! Anyway, having a son or daughter doesn’t really matters that much i guess. Even if i do want to have a kid (if that happens, my sis will tease me to hell) i guess i will opt for a daughter. Maybe becos i can have a friend to hang out together and have lotsa stuffs done together. But then that’s an individual thinking you see.

Having a son or daughter doesnt determine whether you’re going to be looked after well when you grow well. Even though, you think that you’ve brought up your kid well, that doesnt give you an old age insurance stating that he or she is going to look after you.(For those parents who have kids looking after them till the end of days, i can say one thing, their gifted.) Because as the child grows and sees the world, the kid can change into someone, maybe for the good or the bad. We wont be able to know how things take a course of its own. Well, all i can say is that we should not depend on our kids to look after us when we grow old. In this age, its all different. We have to werk till we’re old(unless of course you’ve got family wealth that you can depend on). But trust me, Singapore is becoming a very expensive country to live in…..

Well, like i said in the beginning, it depends on the person or the couple that wants to have the child. Because nowadays, the daughters can also look after their parents even after marriage.Its all based on how we talk and come to decisions.

http://www.malaysiakini.tv/flv/flvplayer.swf?file=/flv/malaysia/temple2.flv 

Why has this got to happen in the indian society? Of all places, its in Malaysia? Why??? When i watched this video, i was taken aback! I couldnt take in whatever was being said and done. Gheesh, i pray that someone can do something about it. Pls help to spread the word around.